Dominant Women : Who Are They Looking For?

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I'm going to let you in on a Startling Femdom Secret!

MsX with whom I was exchanging a few emails wrote:

Sometimes I'm so tired of these labels (a sentiment I *know* you sympathise with). I just want to find someone who I enjoy and am attracted to, who is able to commit and communicate - and who feels the same about me :)

The secret? It has taken countless hours of research, reading weblogs by dominant women, visiting F/m forums.

There are plenty of dominant women looking for the right partner. Partner may seem too neutral a word but each is variously looking for a submissive or perhaps a slave. BDSM might be only now and then, a bit every evening or some form of lifestyle D/s. Or just a play partner. But I'm thinking of the women looking for a kinky boyfriend or lover.

Each dominant woman is as individual as any woman. But she has special needs that can make even her search more complicated than the norm.

You can read my How to Woo a Domme Online but I'll give you a concentrated dose of advice.

Don't invent forum names like pantyworm4u. She'd rather hear from Fred. Or a guy who's handle reflects a non-fetish interest or is a clever joke.

Don't PM or IM her saying "want u 2 crush my nuts" and certainly not "want u 2 crush my nuts while I sing the Star Spangled Banner and you wear a maroon miniskirt."

Even if you are looking for a short-term kink playmate that isn't the way to approach someone who is supposed to hold the power.

Much less a woman who for some reason decided that she is a person and would like to meet the same.

Fill out your profile damnit! And try to say more than "I'm a sissy painwhore who likes to do housework." Well, if you are really keen on sweeping floors that might be OK. (Heck you can write to me: I hate housework.) Mention your interests and hobbies (which hopefully exceed watching television).

The essence is: be a person, be as polite as you are in real life (and if need be learn some manners). Treat her like a person.

Or hire a professional. She may not be interested in you but may take lively pleasure in spending your money.

Given that dominant women are uncommon it is mighty surprising that good submissive men can be hard for some - nice, kind, smart - women to find.

Go and sin no more! Or rather sin the right way.

This could go on forever. Share your suggestions, tales of woe or funny stories.

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i am a newbie dommee and would love to find an old fashion man whom is submissive!! can you recommend a website?

very interesting site I have been a student of this type of lifestyle however have never had the good sense or the nerve to search it out. I have had two failed marriages and still have not taken the proper steps in the right direction. I am deserving of what I get. And that does not amount to much. This is kind of a coming out for me and I am saying Hi and I am here, male submissive interested in D/s in a loving and caring way. I believe that this type of lifestyle can actually make two lives better. Single now 55 years young and will to listen and also to talk.

I’m a 24 year old Virgine. I have always wanted a woman to put me into Trusting possitions, but all the things I have seen are very abusive & not very nurtuing. I want a woman to be mostly incontroll, but but that for not being abused, & for connecting with someone in the most personal & volnerable way. I’m not sure what to do or how I’ll find such a woman? I’ve only really tryed to date once. I was friends with her for a while, & we went on 2 dates. I talked to her on the phone for several years not wanting to be intiment untile she understood how I wanted to be Loved. She said that basicaly that if we had sex first she’d put me into those positions, but she never understood. I don’t wan’t to cry about it, but I told her for such a long time & she couldn’t get it, & know all the Dominant things I see are quit frightnight & not very reaspectfull of woman & espeachily not men! I feel like most Dominant woman want to be abusive. I sometimes might want some impactual possitions but that’s mainly so I could Trust the woman to hold me & so I could Trust her more. I hope thats not to much information, but I always thought it should be for love, & a lot of woman want money for it. That’s not the right starting point for me just closness & Love. How can you find woman who think that way. I might want to be a little dominat once in a while so that It feel’s more like Trust when were intimnet, but that should really befor bolof us, as partners I think.

My names Jerrod are their possibly any-body who wants Trust like this I know their must be & thats all I ever really thought about & I think it would make to people more stable & caring for each other.

Am I allowed to put an e-mail here, I’m not sure what this site intells but it seems more friendly then others & I do want Love. I’m Brunet with Hazzile eye’s I am in pritty good shap & rezemble the Actore Clark Gable a bit ( Gone With The Wind ) I hope I could tell that & place my e-mail if thats what this site does?


It may be a sad fact, but if a woman is looking for a submissive (or kinky or masochistic, etc.) boyfriend, she needs the man to be a boyfriend, i.e., someone she enjoys hanging around with, talking to, going to the movies with, cuddling with on the sofa, etc. - all of the normal activities of life. It is not all about the kink. (Even 24/7 d/s relationships are not all sex all the time. Not even close.)

Women generally don’t want to have sex with men they don’t like, aren’t in love with, can’t imagine themselves being in love with. So there are two dimensions here that have to line up - ordinary boyfriend-girlfriend stuff and kink - and the kink is usually the more negotiable of the two.

Dev, I truly agree with you. A loving couple can have a lifestyle built around a Loving Female Relationship (FLR)but that must include that you both like and love each other and would want to be together even if no such lifestyle was on the table. So, relationship first THEN get into the FLR. No one is truly one-dimensional so no one is going to want a realationship with someone who is. Guys (subs), relax! Be yourself. Sure,let it be known that, AFTER a relationship has begun, you want to serve her and allow her to control portions of your life but please stop with the “want U 2 crush my nuts” in your first conversation. For instance, I have never let it out to the world that I am submissive and enjoy serving that special woman. But I have done the opposite by meeting submissive females, posing as a dominant man. That first “date” and probably the 2nd and 3rd MAY have a touch of your desires MENTIONED but nothing else. Go the the movies, out to a nice dinner or to the park and just TALK and be your normal charming self. That’s what my 58 years of experience have taught me to do. And remember to be a MAN. Oh yeah, and it wouldn’t hurt to proof your emails before you send them. MOST people appreciate the fact that you can spell and write in a grammatically correct fashion.

 Great post, Dev. You're a thinker and I appreciate that!

I actually met my kinky boyfriend at a bdsm club, but the fact that he was kinky was hardly even the start of my liking him. Instead, he was friendly, cute, open, a good conversationalist, etc. I can’t imagine wanting to date a guy just because he wants me to crush his nuts. And that’s not because submissive men are a dime a dozen; in my experience they really aren’t. But still.

It’s almost like you exactly quoted me. :D I’ve been saying the same for years. Men don’t think of us as people once they get their mind on sex instead of building a relationship which would include D/s, sex and friendship. Women, from what I have seen, want a lot more than male subs expect they will need to give. As a woman I find it very hard to keep looking. Men have so much to say about D/s but don’t really get what it is. At least not from the perspective of a Domme. The irony is - if a woman is in charge it should be all about me (me, the Domme) instead they make it all about themselves and what I can/should do for/to them. The odd time I do find a man who seems to get it. I have hung on and tried to bring it into reality far longer than I ever would normally. Just recently I was emailing back and forth with a man who was very promising, talked like a human being rather than a needy penis. I dared to hope again after a lot of failures. But, though he said he really wanted to meet, could not wait to meet, etc. When it came to the one year mark I just stopped talking to him. I never would have given a year except that I found it hard to give up hope once I found a guy I could actually respect and have a D/s relationship with. I am really tired of being disappointed.

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