How Do I Meet a Domme

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By Lady Julia

"I don't like crowds or chat rooms. I think I'll do better one on one. How can I meet a Domme and how can I impress her when I do?"

Tough question. In D/s - BDSM chat rooms, it's pretty easy to spot a Domme. At munches, you know that the women present are at least D/s - BDSM friendly. If you avoid both, however, the situation isn't hopeless.

Your first obstacle is identifying someone as a Domme and yourself as a submissive. It's not as if we wear signs or don fetish clothing to go to the supermarket (well most of us anyway - smiles). If you're not a chat or group type of person and don't feel comfortable attending a munch, I'd suggest considering the placement of a personal ad. Newspapers in almost all cities of any size accept them. You can also place an ad on a personals site like,,, etc. (Google "bdsm personals" - there are a LOT of sites out there).

When composing your ad, remember:

  • Be honest. I can't emphasize this enough!
  • Indicate in your ad that you have an interest in D/s and/or BDSM.
  • Be careful not to sound desperate or needy.
  • Be positive about yourself.
  • To protect your privacy and decrease the risk of "outting yourself", use a PO box, a free email account like yahoo, and/or a prepaid cell phone for replies.
  • Be creative when writing your ad. An interesting ad is most likely to garner responses. Consider having someone you trust assist in writing the ad or at least have them read it over. (Sometimes it is difficult to write objectively about yourself - most people usually sell themselves short).

Once your ad is composed, be patient. Don't expect every response to be "the one". Just like any dating situation, it could take awhile to find someone with whom there is mutual interest.

To help form a more favorable impression when you do schedule a meeting (think positive!), remember that Dommes are women. When you're pursuing a relationship, some things are pretty universal. Still... there's a generral "lifestyle etiquette" to consider when approaching most Dommes. Keep the following in mind:

  • Ask her prior to the first meeting to share some general information about her hobbies or interests, what type of work she does, etc. (Be careful to make sure she understands you mean general interests as many Dommes are offended if you ask too soon about their kink interests.) Once you know what she is interested in, learn a little about her interests (not a lot, but enough so that you can carry on an intelligent conversation.)
  • Be prepared. If you are new to D/s - BDSM, read up. Know the terms. She won't expect you to be an expert, but do have a clue :) (The links page on my web site has several links to sites for those new to BDSM.)
  • Ask her how she prefers to be addressed. Don't assume she wants to be called Mistress, Ma'am or any other honorific.
  • Be a boy scout (wink). Courteous, respectful, etc. Offer to pull out her chair, open her car door, etc.) Manners definitely count.
  • Maintain eye contact, smile and try to relax. It's a lot more enjoyable to talk with someone who isn't extremely tense :)
  • Remember she's a person. Everyone likes a sincere compliment, so offer a comment about how much you enjoy her ____ (smile, laugh, quick wit, whatever).
  • Always be HONEST and be yourself. DON'T agree with everything she says (unless by some miracle you actually do agree). Insincerity is a turn off.
  • Ask her if she minds if you ask her questions. (Some like to control the conversation.) If she says yes, asking questions shows her you have an active interest in her.
  • Be prepared to answer her questions (because if she's interested, she will have some). Think ahead of time about some basic things. What interests you about D/s - BDSM? What do you expect from a dominant? What do you have to offer a Domme? What are your limits? (I personally wouldn't ask this on a first meeting, but it's better to have considered the idea than to sit there blankly and say, "I don't have any" if she does ask you).

Lastly... don't get discouraged and don't give up. Positive people seem to attract positive life events :)

(Note - these are just my thoughts. Remember YOU are responsible for YOUR actions. I'm not responsible if you do any of the things outlined above..)

Lady Julia


This is only the first of several articles by Lady Julia on meeting a Domme. The rest can be found on her Dominance and Submission Articles page.

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Very good advice, Lady Julia. Ms. Catwoman and I are always talking about the endless stream of clueless guys. Honesty, common sense, and good manners are things so many guys seem to be lacking.

It seems almost impossible to meet that special female dom, that wishes to mix traditional with most bdsm activities. If a male is straight, strong willed, educated, good looking, very vanilla except for those strong inner desires to serve his women as her bottom and her masochist.

I do feel that once a vanilla relationship is formed then the question can be asked about her interest in s&m. Problems do arrise with such questions if there is no interest or understanding. So, the question still seems to be how to find that special women.

there is nothing more lovely than a man serving a mistress that is so beautiful. I am offering my services to a female dominatrix to honor her and make her happy

You and a million other men. Why should a woman be interested in you?

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