Looking for Submissive Men Can Be Stressful

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Over ten years ago a dominant woman was looking for submissive guys online. These were her experiences:

I am doubting the existence of any men who are willing to submit, and are whole people. I have been told I am too demanding, or not dom enough, ad nauseum. I feel like I’ve tried it all - being myself (a total multi-faceted person), more private, more understanding, more dom … I used to think I understood a lot about human nature. Now, like Akasha’s situation, they all seem totally self-absorbed, in it just for themselves with no regard for the other person’s feelings. Without exception, all my simple requests (for a letter, or a few questions answered, etc.) have been met with resistance.

This is just a request for other Dom(mes) to share their experience and/or advice, including their difficulties or successes in finding partners. (Saw a few happy endings here not long ago. Any others?) Have you had the same problems that I’ve had getting to know folks on the web, not to mention moving beyond that stage? I feel like nobody else could’ve had this much crap to dig through. I wish that were true, but I’d also like to hear that I’m not alone in this.


I never thought finding a partner would be easy. I DID think at least a few of those I corresponded with would be sincere, honest, and relatively well-balanced. If what I’ve seen so far is any indication, there exists no such creature. Almost without exeption they have begun with claims like, “You don’t know how serious I am”, and “This desire has been with me since I was a teenager”, etc. Ha! One “wrong” word and they disappear like water down a drain! I wouldn’t resent the investment of time if I had come across even one guy who was honest. They all seem to be misogynists - waiting for any excuse to release their venom on you (me). And not having been able to find any good research on bdsm participants, I am beginning to wonder…

It has been my policy not to respond to guys who didn’t bother to write one simple email to introduce themselves. For a while, if they IM’d me, I would tell them I would welcome an email. More often than not, they ignore that - either continue to IM, or not write, or write once - usually calling ME insincere, and worse. I got so weary of that that I made a ‘form’ letter to try to explain, nicely, why requesting an email w/ their interests, etc., was reasonable. So far, that has resulted in just another jumping off point for them to insult me. And nearly all of them have criticized me or disappeared when I wouldn’t send them a picture right away. (It seems only prudent to protect my privacy until I get to know someone.)

l have been called ‘stupid’ for refusing to give out my phone #, criticized for misuse of a word in an IM, and most often insulted because I did not want to respond in the way they desired. Lately, when I took the time to write a letter explaining my viewpoint, it was simply deleted. Another guy I wrote a fairly long letter to simply deleted his screen name. And one reason I’m as cautious as I am now about my time is - one guy who ‘chatted’ for weeks (in the beginning of my search for info), one day said, “Surprise! I am not who I claim to be! I’m already collared, and MY MISTRESS was allowing me to ‘lead you on’ to ‘teach you about the unscrupulous people online’. Very amusing. (Since then, I have seen numerous ads that he has placed w/ various personas; this really makes me think that none of the ads are sincere - that there are just a few weirdos out there doing ALL the ads and IMs and writing! Too bad there isn’t a database/listing for us to warn one another about these strange ones.) Yet another, after weeks of thinking I knew him as a friend, revealed that he and another female friend liked to set up chat rooms with various fake interests, and lead people on that way. Cute.

There were three other guys (over 40yo for the record) that I spent several weeks writing and trying to get to know (one at a time). Two were big fans of Akasha, and they all claimed to have been looking for this kind of relationship for a long time. I took that to mean they had a clue. Ha! I finally figured that they were all three frauds. To one, being submissive meant (if we actually met, etc)., that he was accustomed to sexual release [masturbation] 3x/d min., and expected every session to end w/ me grabbing his hair and grinding my crotch in his face. That was his idea of being ‘collared’. Another first accused me of not being dom enough to ‘handle him’ (big tough ceo that he was), so I showed him more of that side, just for him to ‘pull out’ the ‘sick ex-wife needs attention/can’t get involved right now’ routine. The third shared 3 major hobbies w/ me, in addition to D/s. He also dropped out of sight w/ no ‘thank you, ma’am”. Not once has a guy ever just said, “Thanks for your time, but I don’t think we’re compatible.” Insults and disappearing acts, that’s been it! Wolves in sheep’s clothing…

One other quick question. Have you folks found that most of the guys who are into the life are young? I’m over 40 and ideally would hope to find a guy near my age, or older, but most who respond have been 20-30. (And rather than tell me about their minds, hearts, and philosophies, brag about how in shape they are, which is about the last thing on my list of criteria.)

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I find this to be very interesting.I would have thought a domiant woman would find it easy to get a great sub. People always say there are many more submissive men than dominant women. Elise Sutton writes a lot about submissive men needing to “bring out the dominance in their wife/girlfriend.” After reading through these posts, though it seems there are a lot of sub “wannabe’s” out there. Unfortunately, today I am not free to become someone’s sub slave no matter how badly I might want it as I am (for the moment) married. But that’s a story for another time. But I’m curious to hear responses from women who want to be in female-led (dominant) reationships. I know the first thing you are going to think is “The guy is married so blow him off.” Some of you will but I’m hoping to get some sincere responses from others so I will be sincere myself. I’m a 58 yo man, 6’2”, 185 lbs, reasonably good looking and very NORMAL. I just happen to think that the world would be a lot better if female-led marriages (states and countries for that matter)were the norm. I do not fantasize about women in leather boots and fetish outfits, carrying a whip or actually being MEAN in any way. I’m just looking for a female dominant relationship to be shared by two people who love eachother but know the woman should be in charge (unless she doesn’t want to be on occasion). A woman that loves her submissive adorer and whom he loves in return. And respects…and treats like a Princess in every way. So, my first pertinent message is that I don’t want to “top from the bottom.” Everything is really her decision. She would probably want to ask my advice occasionally but would have the final word. Yes, I can tell you that I feel it is my place to always be naked in your presence, but only if that is YOUR wish. I am also convinced even the best male slave will perform better when denied release but that will be up to her to decide. And I would hope that her loving nature would allow release at least a few times a year for health purposes and maybe just because she wants to feel her man inside of her. I am actually speaking of a very loving, very real lifestyle where the man is in the relationship to please the woman, giving up his own selfish desires to satisfy all of her needs and wants. Someday, in the not too distant future, my current obligations satisfied, I will be ready to enter a relationship of this kind and would greatly appreciate some truthful feedback as to whether this type of relationship is what most dominant-leaning women want. Thank you very much!

I’m looking at my last post (above) and chuckling. The original writer was asking subs to say something about themselves so the dominant reader would actually KNOW something about the sub. And I just realized I started off doing that but never actually did! So, to reiterate a couple things, I’m a pretty normal guy, no tattoos, piercings, no funny hair…just normal. I enjoy reading a good book as either a self-help aid or just a good novel. I enjoy FILMS more so than movies along with fine dining. I have a good job that pays adequately though I am not rich. I have played tennis all of my adult life so I like to keep in reasonably good shape. I enjoy boating and being outdoors but I’m not big into camping…maybe hiking to a remote spot though, where I can be stripped and able to perform all the duties a good slave/sub needs to do for his Mistress and yeah, with maybe just a SLIGHT hint that we could be caught if we’re not careful. But I wouldn’t EVER want to be caught. I am definitely NOT an exhibitionist or a flasher. So the FEAR of exposure is what I’m looking for..NOT being seen. The book I’m reading right now is “How to be a good Husband.” I enjoy talking to my significant other at length, holding hands (unless they are tied up which I also enjoy), kissing, hugging….non-sexual touching as well as sexual. I find the Domme/sub relationship to be prime territory for all of this. The time my wife enjoyed our Domme/sub/slave relationship was one of the best times of my life. We were CLOSE….we talked a lot, we made love a lot, and yes, she used me for her pleasure along, a lot! But by point is, done the right way, a Mistress/sub relationship can be very fulfilling on both sides. Mistress gets someone to cater to her needs which often means just talking or holding..CONNECTING. Our relationship has been on rocky ground ever since she gave it up because SHE is the one that now doesn’t want to talk or hold hands or hug. So we have kind of evolved to opposite male/female roles with her being much more like the stereotypical male than I am! Anyway, enough about that. For anyone out there looking for a lifetime sub partner (eventually) I hope this was more informative than my first post!

LOL! Ah, yes… I have heard many repeat the theory that male submissives vastly outnumber female dominants and that all we have to do is choose. This is simply not true.

Like the author of the post, I have encountered many liars - they lie about their marital status, their appearance, their availability and their sincerity to mention just a few possibilities.

Then there are the disappearing acts - the men you feel real potential with, are really getting along, you spend time engaging and sharing via correspondence and “boom”…they just stop replying without so much as a brief note expressing they’ve had a change in heart. Appalling.

I know this is not impossible. I had a collared pet for just over 2 years and we did meet online - I had been on that site for 3 years and he approached me on his first day. Go figure!

We corresponded for months before I had agreed to meet him and when I finally did he was much more attractive than he was in the photos he had sent - unusual.

What is even more remarkable was that I was not seeking a partner at the time. He had approached as a hopeful servant and this is where we first made our connection. The connection then evolved into something very different. I uncollared him just a few months ago.

Since then I have encountered the same problems that the author of this post writes about and yet one more… It seems that some sites do not have a femdom-friendly environment.

I decided to try out CL as the more “appropriate” sites are rife with self-serving fetishists posing as submissive. Add to this that the men on these sites do very much only see me in 2 dimensions due to my professional status. They do not see the whole woman, but rather see me as a means to their end.

I placed a post on CL and man did the sh*t hit the fan! One day my post was flagged no less than 5 times - despite the fact that I was in no way breaching the TOS. What’s more, “people” (presumably men) started placing posts blatantly slandering me - claiming I was “short, fat and ugly” and that I was simply soliciting for “donations”!

As the system is unmoderated, there is no one to complain to. I am able to repost many of the times I am flagged, however there are a maximum number of posts allowed and when frequently flagged I hit my maximum quickly.

That said, something fascinating happened… I started receiving letters of support. LOL!

Then there’s the fact that I am also a professional. Women like myself have another set of problems. There seems to be a presumption that being professional and being lifestyle are mutually exclusive. No one would presume that a doctor would never treat a loved one “on the house” or that a teacher wouldn’t do the same out of love.

What’s more, as men have a tendency towards possessiveness, most are not at all willing to continue communications once they discover I am a professional - despite the fact I only do this on occasion, that I am not sexually involved with my clients and that I am very much monogamous.

It is very much frustrating, but I can’t believe it’s impossible.

I’ve decided to not think about it too much, get more focused on my career and simply see what happens organically. Active efforts are officially making me crazy.

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