Writing to a Domme : 10 Guidelines

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Caveat 1: This approach will not necessarily work for all Dommes but we feel we were open enough in our suggestions that at the very least, the Domme you contact should not accuse you of disrespect or trolling. At the very least, we would hope not. We are hoping other Dommes will contribute to this with their own advice, opinions, needs, etc.

Caveat 2: The examples we give here should NOT be copied & pasted and used as your own. You should simply find inspiration in them. We hope you will retain the spirit in which these examples are written and personalise them to represent yourself accurately.

Sample introduction letter

Dear Lady,

I have read your profile from beginning to end, not once but twice, to ensure that I didn't overlook anything. I realize that you took the time to write your profile so that others may learn from it.

My first impression of you is that you are a woman deserving respect and only the best. That said I am sincerely hoping that through my interactions, I might show you that I am worthy of your time, affections and dominance.

I would very much like if we could get better acquainted, the how, when, where and pace I leave as your final decision. But if I may humbly propose that whatever is convenient for you, be it, emails, instant messages, chatting, phones calls, meeting for coffee, would be more than satisfactory for me. I understand fully that a lady of your stature does not make rash decisions and that I must prove myself worthy of your time. I understand that things may or may not progress at a pace of your comfort level. I humbly agree to abide by whatever attentions you wish to grant me.

If you will grant me the privilege of meeting you I promise to meet whatever requirements you may have of me. I understand that your safety is of paramount concern and will gladly respect whatever method you deem to be appropriate.

1. Be clear about what you are seeking.

  • Do you want a D/s or S&M play relationship?
  • Do you want a monogamous relationship and eventually perhaps a lifetime commitment?
  • Are you unsure about what you seek, and will leave that to the two of you to determine?

a) If the Domme you are contacting is not looking for applications, respect this! You can write to her and tell her that you realise she isn't looking for applicants but that nonetheless you appreciate her profile and simply wanted to let her know. You can also ask her if she has time to or an interest in entertain a friendship with no strings attached. Do not be pushy! FYI: Dommes do not keep waiting lists of potentials so don't ask to be put on one. However if you are friends first she may take interest at a later date.

b) If the Domme you are contacting has stated what she is looking for and it is not what you are looking for, move to the next profile and don't try and change her mind. Nothing is more insulting then a sub who wants to convince us of something we don't want.

c) If the Domme you are contacting hasn't said what she is looking for, you might want to ask her politely in your letter of introduction. If she doesn't respond to this, you might want to just keep looking. There is no guarantee that because someone states she is a Domme that she has it all together. Use your judgement.

2. State what attracted you particularly about her profile.

This is important. If the profile attracted you, it is important that you say why. Many of us take the time to write good profiles explaining who we are and what it is that we are looking for as well as our views on life and then BDSM dynamics.

The above is critical. Do NOT limit your attraction to solely our photo. That shows that you are superficial and vain. Most Dommes know they are beautiful, but wish to be appreciated for things other than our appearances.

Here are a few examples or what you might write:

a) In reading your profile I was impressed by your comment about "such and such" and found it to raise feelings of understanding and agreement within me. It was as if we were on the same page.

b) I believe that we share a similar view of dominance & submission and I have a feeling that it goes beyond that. It would be a privilege to discuss such issues with you and explore our compatibility.

c) When you stated that you wanted a submissive who held similar non-kinky interests as you I was pleased. I am delighted to see that you share my enthusiasm for "such and such".

You should draw parallels when possible. For example, if she mentions she likes to sail, and you have a sailboat, perhaps a short description of it would be good here.

3. Be truthful about your current status and obligations.

If you are married, have kids, have personal obligations, are willing to or not willing to relocate, have religious or social obligations or have time constraints, put them all on the table from the get go. A reasonable Domme will appreciate your honesty and decide whether or not she can work within potential limitations. If you get a negative response because you tried to communicate this, then just take a deep breath and move along. (You might however want to make sure her profile doesn't say "no married men" or "only local men" or "must be willing to relocate"). Honesty will always be the best policy.

4. Be truthful about your former experience.

Be honest about what you have experienced. Don't sugar coat it. Give a certain amount of detail but don't go overboard. This is an introduction letter. Also, if your experience is limited to Pro's or online experiences say so.

5. State what it is you are willing to offer.

Before you write what you want, write what you want to offer. This isn't a D/s thing. This is simply a courtesy thing. No one wants a selfish sub that lists only his/her desires. When we get a message that starts off with "Hello Mistress, I'm a slave boy into CBT, humiliation, and love being turned into your own private whore with your strap-on" we tend to either click delete or respond with something unpleasant like "go away, do-me sub". You have to woo a Domme. Write it from the heart. List what it is you want and not what it is that you think she wants. This also includes writing about your limits.

Here are a few examples or what you might write:

a) I am happy to offer whatever services you may require in exchange for nothing other than your happiness and the personal satisfaction of knowing that I pleased you in some small way.

b) My pleasure would be to give you pleasure. I find a life of servitude rewarding. I would very much like to learn which ways I would best be able to serve you.

c) I am a masochist who would consider it a privilege to lend my body to such a woman as yourself, for your pleasure and mutual enjoyment. My limits are "such & such".

6. List your skills.

You might want to write something such as "My skills and talents lie in the areas of (cleaning, ironing, chauffeuring, handyman, etc)." You can also list the skills you wish to develop. If your skills are in your profile and you want to be succinct in your initial note, you can say something along the lines of "if it pleases you Miss, please refer to my profile to see my list of skills"

7. List your interests.

It is important that you also put a short paragraph about your vanilla interests. If it is a relationship you are seeking, chances are, you will be spending equal if not much more time outside the kink zone then in it. Deciding whether the ultimate date is going to see the ballet or a ballgame might be something you want to clear up ahead of time. Even if it is not a relationship that you are seeking, for most Dommes, we appreciate knowing that there is more then a piece of flesh to you.

8. Avoid negativity.

The title says it all but here are a few basics to check for:

  • Don't put negative comments about other Dommes in your message. You are addressing a Domme you wish to impress and she doesn't particularly care about the other Dommes you've contacted.
  • Don't use a jaded tone. An eager (not overly eager) and positive tone is always appreciated.
  • Don't complain about how you have such a hard time finding the right Domme.

9. Revise for grammar & spelling.

When you are chatting, things can slip. Even little posts here or there. But when you are trying to put your best foot forward, isn't she worth a few extra minutes of double-checking? A message full of typos gives the impression of negligence and carelessness.

Also, many Dommes have mentioned on these boards and in other forums that they are not fond of chat lingo such as "It wood B so gr8 2 serve U Ma'am". In your first correspondence however, it might be better to assume that she won't appreciate it. If she responds to you using the lingo, then it's a good sign that it's fine. You might even want to ask her early on what her thoughts on it are.

Some Dommes Like "W/we " and online protocol others detest it. A good rule of thumb is look at how their profile is written. If it contains it, use it, if not, don't!

10. Keep your messages short or parse them to avoid them being truncated.

If you have a very heavy message, chances are it might get truncated. You may want to keep the first message relatively short (especially if your profile mentions already a lot about you). But if you feel you have a lot to say, you might want to email a Part I and Part II (note that this might turn some Dommes off). You might also want to add your other email address (yahoo, hotmail, etc) for further correspondences as the messages can run a little longer.

Every Domme is different but these guidelines should work with most and might help you find Your place without wasting each other's time. Good luck with Your search.

(Attributed to Maitresse Eden and Lady Angelika.)

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This sounds like really solid, thorough advice.

Thank you.

I recognized parts of this sample letter, because men have used them verbatim in writing to me on CollarMe — despite your Caveat 2! I think the advice here is generally good. Honesty, a lack of demands, and a respectful tone go a long way for me in an introduction letter.

I’ve posted this on several of my sites over the years.

Most men don’t seem to be able to speak with individuality, clarity and are too confused to be honestly because they are deceiving themselves. I count myself that I have managed to use the web to make friends and intimates.

Best wishes.

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