Going to a Munch Group

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I’ve often enjoyed reading roo-roo who obliged me by writing the following:

My biggest obstacle was making progress against my shyness. (can’t say I’ve overcome it though.) Just walking into the first munch was a nerve-wracking experience……….but well worth it. (on the way to my first munch, I was screaming the Oscar Meyer Weiner song in my car, to try to calm my nerves.) Before going to the munch though, I looked at their website and e-mailed with some basic questions, like what people normally wore to these things. The person I ended up talking with was very friendly and understanding, and even asked to meet for coffee before I went to a munch, so that I’d at least know one person there.

Once I started getting into the conversations, people were naturally curious about me, and asked questions. Uncomfortable, but expected. This is one place where being yourself is really important. If I’d taken the clichéd approach of “I’m submissive, so I’ll do whatever you’re into”, well, that’s just plain boring. And very fake. We’ve all got interests and fantasies, and it’s important to be open about them if we expect to live them. None of us are mind readers, whether dominant or submissive. Just because someone is a dominant woman, that doesn’t mean we’re compatible.

I’m honest about not being into protocol, ritual, structure, etc. These things are pretty popular among dominants…..but I knew that if I pretended to be into them, not only would I feel like a hypocrite, but I wouldn’t be happy in the relationship either. Online, it’s common to see weak, obsequious, sniveling little twits who think that being that way impresses dommes. Invariably, there are a handful of online dommes who will go for this type. Being that way in the face-to-face world won’t get you far, though. Doormats attract abusers. Coming across as too eager to please often reeks of desperation. If you have a life, if you’re confident and strong, these are the qualities that many dommes find interesting. We are all equals until we agree to some form of power exchange, and I treat everyone as such.

One thing I continually keep in my head is that I’m deserving of respect. Many subs forget this. They think it’s their “place” to be treated badly or to be unfulfilled, since it’s supposedly all about the domme’s desires. Bullshit. An unhappy sub won’t stay around long; our desires are equally important. I let this be known early on when there’s someone I’m interested in. If she agrees that equality and d/s don’t have to be mutually exclusive, that’s a good sign. This can even show up in little things. For example, if a domme cuts me off in conversation, why should I tolerate that? It’s rude, and I deserve better.

Seeing dommes as actual people (and expecting the same from them) is a must. We’ve all got faults and weaknesses. In a loving relationship, I expect to be accepted as I am. Of course, I give the same. If someone loves you, they accept you. This is important to keep in mind. If a domme tried to turn me into something I’m not (behavior modification) then that’s a way of saying “you’re not good enough for me, and I want you to be someone else.”

I also realized that finding someone shouldn’t be my only reason for getting into the scene. I’ve made lots of friends there, and continue to have lots of great times with them………not to mention casual play with friends. If I’d ignored (or been cold to) everyone who didn’t seem “useful” to me, I’d be very unpopular.

About the same time that I got into the local scene, I started looking into forums online. What I found shocked me. There were so many people, domme and sub alike, who had totally unrealistic, overly idealistic expectations. All “real subs” are expected to be into TPE, do all the housework, and do all sorts of things they don’t want to do. That might work online, but being miserable in a flesh-and-blood relationship just isn’t a way I want to live. A lot of people, mainly online, take a “more is better” approach to submission. Isn’t personal satisfaction more important than playing subbier-than-thou? Submission should cause joy, not agony. We’ve all got our own particular style of submission; it took a lot of introspection and experimentation to find my way.

Here’s the analogy I often use: When I give a woman a single rose, I expect some sort of gratitude……..not a big showy display, just a genuine show of appreciation. If she said “That’s it?? Where are the other eleven?”, then she’s not someone I want in my life. This is how I view submission. I don’t have to sacrifice my whole life in order to be submissive. We each give what we give, regardless of chosen position, and it’s important that our gifts (and our selves) be appreciated.

So overall, I try to keep all these things in mind. Keeping that attitude affects my actions, and everything else sort of falls into place. It can be hard to have the confidence to say “this is who I am, and if you don’t like it, then move on.” But if I didn’t do that, I’d be going from one lousy relationship to another. If someone doesn’t accept what I give, too bad.

There is an element of luck as well; even if someone does everything perfectly, there’s no guarantee they’ll meet somebody compatible.

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Comments

That article is the most intellignet, articulate and well written I have read on being a submissive! I am a sub, and I throughly enjoyed the information particularly as I am new to this scene! Great advice for a new sub to hear!

I would love to be used by a dominant women need to meet one in nyc looking to meet black dominant women I am white married 56 years old love leather and high heels

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