Who Should Say Hello First?

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A comment that Eileen of A Place To Draw Blood Laughing left on a blog.

“Doesn’t it make more sense of the dominant to be the aggressor and the submissive [me] to the passive partner waiting for consideration?”

Sure, if you’d like to maintain the belief that we’re still living in a society where the main form of communication is grunting.

In reality, although a woman may have a dominant personality or may have embraced a dominant lifestyle, she’s not guaranteed (or required) to feel comfortable tracking down submissive men. I personally don’t hit on or flirt with men I meet in non-scene contexts, such as bars or clubs, because the chances of them being sexually compatible with me are so incredibly small. We don’t all having homing beacons built into our foreheads that light up in the presence of submission - and making assumptions about someone’s orientation is a fast track to misery, in my experience.

Should submissive men initiate contact with women? Yes! And dominant women should initiate contact with men. But you will probably find in approaching women that your submission to them is not as interesting or important to the potential relationship as you. Your character, your personality, your interests, your ideas. A dominant woman looking for a long term relationship is going to want a partner in that relationship in all ways, not just someone who happens to fit her ideas of power exchange.

Personally, I like it when men approach me to say hello, or have a conversation. But I don’t like it when submissive men approach me with the immediate caveat that they’re submissive. You are right - that makes me flee. A man’s submission is secondary to his personality. Similarly, I expect my partners to treat my dominance as an aspect of me, not my definition.

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“A manís submission is secondary to his personality. Similarly, I expect my partners to treat my dominance as an aspect of me, not my definition.” She really hit that on the head. BDSM is just one of many facets of who I am. I agree; people should approach each other, rather than sheepishly following some generic gender role.

Actually, a man’s submissiveness is not “secondary” to his qualities as a partner and it IS one of his qualities as a partner and, therefore, equally important.

That said, if the “meeting” occurs on a lifestyle dating site it may be taken for granted - as long as his role as a submissive or slave is clear from his profile.

I agree with the statement that sub/slave males should totally initiate contact. My ex did so via one such site and had he not we never would have met.

I’m a guy and have never found saying hello first has ever worked for me.

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