Courtship of the Dominant Woman


This essay focuses on the approach and perhaps ultimate “courtship” of a female Dominant, by submissive or subservient men. It targets points of acceptable and appropriate behavior (manners) towards a Domme. It is of course, written from a Dominant perspective, and based on my discussions with numerous other lifestyle Dommes.

Much of today’s formal “etiquette” originated in the French royal court during the 1600-1700’s. This code of behavior soon spread to other European courts and eventually was adopted by the upper classes throughout the Western world. In general, etiquette was developed as a means of breaching differences to allow communication from a common starting point.

It is my opinion, that of all the relationships in the D/s community, the one between a Domina and male submissive, most closely mimics the conventions and protocols of a more formal era; perhaps that of the Victorians. In the 1800’s, a young man could not speak to a young woman he knew until she had first acknowledged him. If the lady was not known to the man, then a “gentlemen” expressed his interest through a third party introduction or a formal written request. Socially acceptable activities included chaperoned public and family functions, which may or may not have led to private visitations. Conventions of protocol were strictly adhered to. Men bore the scrutiny of relatives or other interested parties and were more than ready to demonstrate their worthiness as a “suitor.” (Sound familiar?)

Whether the ratio is 1:10 or 1:100, most people will agree that there are many more submissives than there are Dominant women. These numbers based on “supply and demand” alone, work against a submissive. Competition is fierce for the attentions of those Dommes who are in “circulation.” The process of finding a Domme can be likened to a job search, with several hundred individuals submitting their resumes and credentials, and you, the applicant must stand out from the crowd. If you are seriously searching for a female Dominant partner, start thinking of ways that you could make yourself appealing to her.

To put it simply, we want to be impressed; to be made to feel special … and ultimately “courted.” Material possessions, a high profile career or even an exceptional education do not necessarily impress us. However, I have yet to meet another Domme who is not pleased by a submissive who is honest, self-assured and polite. In addition, intelligence, a sense of humor and a genuine desire to submit, are highly sought after qualities.

In keeping with that, it is helpful to know some rules about how to behave in certain situations, if only because this makes life more comfortable for you and makes you more self-confident. A submissive that ascribes to the following basic rules of good behavior and demonstrates a measure of social grace, may find the quest for a compatible female Dominant, somewhat less challenging.

1. Be honest. This pertains to any information you share or representation that you make of yourself. It includes, but is not limited to the basics of marital status, through to your expectations (in a partner and within the D/s lifestyle), experience level, fetishes and kinks (if they apply) and your limits. Don’t make a Dominant or anyone else an unwitting co-conspirator in something that could be an act of adultery, unsafe, insane or non-consensual. If you approach a Domina whose needs and desires are different from your own, accept those differences, do not try to manipulate her into changing her standards. By the same token, do not go against your own principles. Bottom line, don’t lie. If you are found out, word will quickly spread that you are a dishonest “player” and this can brand you permanently as untrustworthy. We “network” and most experienced lifestylers talk to each other (this very fact can also work in your favor if you are known to be a respectful, well-mannered and a genuine individual).

2. Have self-respect and be confident. Strong and submissive are not contradictions. You may think that sitting quietly with your head down shows that you’re a true submissive. Actually it shows that you’re boring. If you want to meet a Dominant woman, you have to attract her attention. If you don’t value your submissive gifts, why should she? If you are very shy get a friend to introduce you and perhaps initially stay around to keep the conversation going. You don’t have to throw yourself at a Domme’s feet to attract her attention. Act in a way that gives a Dominant confidence in you, your abilities, desire to submit and sincerity. Present your best qualities, without being conceited. A sense of humor can always serve you well under these circumstances, and at the very least, remember to smile.

3. Conversational skills are important. Do nut succumb to “submissive frenzy.” Having just discovered your innermost need and desire, you feel compelled to announce it to anyone who will listen. Pull yourself together! Approach a Dominant politely, with confidence, and a sense of calm. Introduce yourself, make some small talk, and then go away. Do not give her your complete resume; “My name is Jack, I’m 30 years old, I’m a submissive, I like blah, blah, blah, blah, will you play with me?” You’ll just come off as a desperate jerk. Conversely, do not play the doormat expecting to be swept off your feet with witty repartee, but contributing nothing. As in any setting, nothing is more boring than talking to someone who doesn’t have anything to say in return. And, “Yes, Mistress,” “No, Ma’am.” and “Ooh, I don’t know,” can grow very old, quickly. Find out how a Domme likes to be referred to (Madame, Ma’am, Mistress, Lady, Ms, etc.) and address her that way, but, appropriately and sparingly. Be patient and allow the natural process of rapport building to develop.

4. Develop patience. It can take some submissives years to find a compatible Dominant partner. Just as you have the right to be choosy in selecting a partner, so does the Domme. Do not pester her because you find her interesting. Treat her with respect and courtesy. Just because she is Dominant, does not mean she is under any obligation to use her talents in the Dominant arts on you. Impatient and pushy submissives don’t get very far with Dommes. If a lady rebuffs your advances, or does not respond to them, take it with dignity, do not respond rudely. There is no need to badmouth or disparage a Domina who has turned you down. Doing so, will simply earn you a reputation of being impolite. If you want to leave a lasting, positive impression, thank her for her time and consideration and ask that she might keep you in mind for the future.

A point on sending notes or letters of introduction. A lack of a reply can mean two things (1) the Dominant in question is overwhelmed by requests, and yours was lost due to volume; or (2) it means “Not interested.” A short, polite follow-up note thanking her for reading your letter, may garner you a response. If not, give up. Do not send further mail, or make unwanted calls, whining that you haven’t gotten an answer from her. At that time, take non-response as a “no.”

5. Do unto others as you would have done to yourself. Would you walk into someone’s home without an invitation? Would you randomly select the phone number of a stranger, dial them up and open with “want to have sex?” Would you walk up to a woman in a bar and say “Hi I’m Mike, I’m kinky, let’s get naked”? Common sense dictates that you wouldn’t. In today’s computer age, why would you behave differently online? The rules of engagement should be and are the same as in any other social or business setting. No one owes you his or her attention.

The advantage of this medium is that through profiles, homepages, other postings and participating in chatrooms and newsgroups, you can often glean some insights about an individual, before approaching her. Avoid two common mistakes. First, do not approach a Dominant who is not interested in the same things you are. Second, don’t send a request for submission to every Domme in the Western world. As stated before, we network. And for the record, spelling and grammar do count.

6. Be open about your knowledge and experience within the D/s lifestyle. Being a novice, and admitting it, is not a bad thing. We all started somewhere. Acknowledging a lack of experience may be a wonderful starting point for forming a D/s partnership, if you find a Domme interested in training. Conversely, if you are experienced, you may be a wonderful teacher to a novice Dominant, or be able to parlay your knowledge into a common ground for communication. But, do not overstate or understate your knowledge. Do not disrespect a Dominant by assuming you know what is best for her, or assume you know what she wants to hear.

7. Be informed and know yourself. Before you declare yourself as a “submissive” be sure you understand what it is you are offering. Dominants are not libraries, nor are we therapists, counselors or social workers. It is not our job to tease apart what your desires, fetishes and kinks are. There is nothing wrong with having fetishes and acting on them; but know what they are and what it is you are looking for and are realistically able to offer. Educate yourself, put some work into determining who you are and what it is you are so willing to give. Our role is not to define your desires and limits, but to work within them, expand them and explore beyond, WITH you.

8. Lose the attitude that this is “all about you.” It is not. For many (perhaps even most) our chosen role has very little to do with sex, and relates to a power exchange between two consenting adults. Actually, we usually couldn’t care less about what you demand that we do. If you approach a Dominant with a “What can you do for me?” attitude, you’re going to be laughed at. Do-Me submissives are selfish, controlling, and annoying. Being pushy, rude, rash, or overly forward with a Dominant, you will most likely lose you the chance to ever partner with her. Dominant women are not public utilities; just because a woman is dominant, does not mean she is YOUR Dominant. If you’re just interested in yourself and what you want, please do us all a favor and go pay someone to play-act with you.

9. Be discreet. It’s unfortunate, but most people need to keep their interests in female domination and other alternative lifestyle practices private. Most people would prefer that their family, friends, coworkers, and neighbors didn’t know about their interests and activities. Unless you know that the Mistress you met at a club or play party, is out of the “closet” do not approach her in a vanilla setting and address her by her scene title, or fall to your knees in an act of worship or deference.

10. Have realistic expectations. Dominant women range from ugly to beautiful, just like women in general. As a matter of fact, just as men, in general. If looks are really that important to your happiness in a scene be prepared to look for a long time, or be willing to pay a professional who has the looks that you want. While you are at it, take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are really worthy of such expectations yourself. You’ll have better luck finding a Dominant if you concentrate on her personality and skills. Think of it this way: If you’re blindfolded, and in ecstasy, what does it matter what she looks like?

11. Proper decorum once accepted for a private meeting includes, being polite, punctual, and well-groomed. I want to stress the importance of personal hygiene…fur on the teeth, dirty fingernails, greasy hair, and other unmentionables … are no no’s. *Please* NO intimate gifts, such as panties or stockings, until you are actually intimate, we may be open-minded but we expect to be treated like ladies. You may bring flowers, if she likes them, but red roses are inappropriate for a first encounter. Perhaps, take a walk together; maybe get coffee, and even lunch together. Then you stop! Go home! Send her a note of thanks for the fine company, perhaps call on the phone to ask if you may visit again, and leave it up to her. If she doesn’t encourage you, give up!

Let’s assume though, that you were charming, intriguing, and she wants to see you again. This means you are in the “running.” It does NOT mean she owns you. You probably still have competition for her attention, so keep your best foot forward. Getting to know a Dominant woman goes in degrees, at a pace dictated by her needs and interests. If at first you don’t succeed, do not get discouraged. Ultimately practice will prepare you for meeting the right partner.

Remember to use common sense, maintain perspective, and be polite. No one owes anyone else his or her dominance or his or her submission. Patience and a sense of humor are definite attributes for a submissive. Lastly, never forget that you too may discover that the Dominant is not to your liking or standards, and you always have the right and option to withdraw from any phase of the relationship. After all, ours is a lifestyle of mutuality, safety, sanity and consent.

Attributed to Ms. Erika this essay appears on many websites. To date I’ve seen no copyright statement.

How Ms. MacComb Met Her Husband


Despite the necessarily tentative nature of what you can really know about online friends it is impossible for me to imagine Ms. Darlene MacComb settling for second best in a husband. You might remember her story the next time you are feeling fedup with online matchmaking sites.

About 8-1/2 years ago I placed a little free ad on the Adult Friend Finders website under the S/M or Kink (or whatever it was) section. I had grown very tired of trying to find my soulmate through conventional methods and after being alone for several years (refusing to settle for second best) decided to risk it. I did recieve several replies from noncompatible people (guys, couples and other women even though my ad stated single males only).

I was living in a small city of about 60,000 in the southwest and Simon was about a two hour drive away in a small town of about 9000. Its mind boggling that we were so close and never would have met had I not placed that ad and had he not replied. We did the usual e-mail, chats, phone calls for a few weeks and then he came to meet me. I was immediatly impressed on numerous levels and while the ultimate nature of our relationship was not established initially, I knew he was the right one. We moved to Santa Fe, got married, bought a home and have now been married for over 7 years. I feel extremely fortunate and thank God every day for the love of my life. As this is just a short testament to online dating/relationships I won’t go into details about the cuckolding, beatings, humiliation and such.

Her blog: Punished Cuckold Husbands

Going to a Munch Group

Real Life

I’ve often enjoyed reading roo-roo who obliged me by writing the following:

My biggest obstacle was making progress against my shyness. (can’t say I’ve overcome it though.) Just walking into the first munch was a nerve-wracking experience……….but well worth it. (on the way to my first munch, I was screaming the Oscar Meyer Weiner song in my car, to try to calm my nerves.) Before going to the munch though, I looked at their website and e-mailed with some basic questions, like what people normally wore to these things. The person I ended up talking with was very friendly and understanding, and even asked to meet for coffee before I went to a munch, so that I’d at least know one person there.

Once I started getting into the conversations, people were naturally curious about me, and asked questions. Uncomfortable, but expected. This is one place where being yourself is really important. If I’d taken the clichéd approach of “I’m submissive, so I’ll do whatever you’re into”, well, that’s just plain boring. And very fake. We’ve all got interests and fantasies, and it’s important to be open about them if we expect to live them. None of us are mind readers, whether dominant or submissive. Just because someone is a dominant woman, that doesn’t mean we’re compatible.

I’m honest about not being into protocol, ritual, structure, etc. These things are pretty popular among dominants…..but I knew that if I pretended to be into them, not only would I feel like a hypocrite, but I wouldn’t be happy in the relationship either. Online, it’s common to see weak, obsequious, sniveling little twits who think that being that way impresses dommes. Invariably, there are a handful of online dommes who will go for this type. Being that way in the face-to-face world won’t get you far, though. Doormats attract abusers. Coming across as too eager to please often reeks of desperation. If you have a life, if you’re confident and strong, these are the qualities that many dommes find interesting. We are all equals until we agree to some form of power exchange, and I treat everyone as such.

One thing I continually keep in my head is that I’m deserving of respect. Many subs forget this. They think it’s their “place” to be treated badly or to be unfulfilled, since it’s supposedly all about the domme’s desires. Bullshit. An unhappy sub won’t stay around long; our desires are equally important. I let this be known early on when there’s someone I’m interested in. If she agrees that equality and d/s don’t have to be mutually exclusive, that’s a good sign. This can even show up in little things. For example, if a domme cuts me off in conversation, why should I tolerate that? It’s rude, and I deserve better.

Seeing dommes as actual people (and expecting the same from them) is a must. We’ve all got faults and weaknesses. In a loving relationship, I expect to be accepted as I am. Of course, I give the same. If someone loves you, they accept you. This is important to keep in mind. If a domme tried to turn me into something I’m not (behavior modification) then that’s a way of saying “you’re not good enough for me, and I want you to be someone else.”

I also realized that finding someone shouldn’t be my only reason for getting into the scene. I’ve made lots of friends there, and continue to have lots of great times with them………not to mention casual play with friends. If I’d ignored (or been cold to) everyone who didn’t seem “useful” to me, I’d be very unpopular.

About the same time that I got into the local scene, I started looking into forums online. What I found shocked me. There were so many people, domme and sub alike, who had totally unrealistic, overly idealistic expectations. All “real subs” are expected to be into TPE, do all the housework, and do all sorts of things they don’t want to do. That might work online, but being miserable in a flesh-and-blood relationship just isn’t a way I want to live. A lot of people, mainly online, take a “more is better” approach to submission. Isn’t personal satisfaction more important than playing subbier-than-thou? Submission should cause joy, not agony. We’ve all got our own particular style of submission; it took a lot of introspection and experimentation to find my way.

Here’s the analogy I often use: When I give a woman a single rose, I expect some sort of gratitude……..not a big showy display, just a genuine show of appreciation. If she said “That’s it?? Where are the other eleven?”, then she’s not someone I want in my life. This is how I view submission. I don’t have to sacrifice my whole life in order to be submissive. We each give what we give, regardless of chosen position, and it’s important that our gifts (and our selves) be appreciated.

So overall, I try to keep all these things in mind. Keeping that attitude affects my actions, and everything else sort of falls into place. It can be hard to have the confidence to say “this is who I am, and if you don’t like it, then move on.” But if I didn’t do that, I’d be going from one lousy relationship to another. If someone doesn’t accept what I give, too bad.

There is an element of luck as well; even if someone does everything perfectly, there’s no guarantee they’ll meet somebody compatible.

Become Her Slave


Giles English has written a guide to finding the dominnat woman of your dreams. The book is entitled The Vanilla Dominatrix. He has a blog devoted to the topic:

How do I get my partner to dominate me?

The Woman Worship Gambit

Real Life

One man’s proposed technique for allowing his submissiveness to come through on a date:

I will treat her like a Queen and when the conversation comes around to relationships, she is separated, I will subtly verbalize my true feelings as to how Women have been disrespected, and treated horribly by men over the year.

Then, I will talk about how years ago, in some societies Woman were worshipped and the dominant sex, and if it seems right, talk a little bit about Goddess worship. I’ll play it by ear mostly. I usually have good instincts. I feel this is the best way to find a Mistress.

This is by no means the most foolish approached I’ve heard of.

It would probably be best to skip the negativity in the first paragraph.

Using Twitter, Facebook, Email to Date

Vanilla Advice

Some (vanilla) tips for using social media and email to ask someone to go out on a date with you.

We’ve reached that point, folks: the zenith of awkwardness whereby the cables of communication are so plentiful that we are wound in a web of our own making. In a sense, we have returned to the tangled days of Emily Post-esque courting etiquette — circa 1922 — whereby men left women calling cards and letters of introduction, not actually seeing the women themselves upon delivery, unless it was between 4 and 6 o’clock (yes, these were the actual rules).

The do’s and don’ts of asking someone out online

Fake Femdom Blogs


Fake Femdom Blog Warning

My self-image is that of a skeptic. But often I take people at their word, face value.

Many years ago while reading an early Femdom mailing list it seemed odd to me that a few of the women sounded almost identical, as if they were clones. Was one woman posting using multiple email accounts?

The defining quality of their posts was snide, pettiness. Something too shallow and constricted to match womanly pride or female arrogance as I’d met in real life.

When F/m blogs first emerged I found this same manner of expression on the blogs. Mostly in the comments. But a few blog owners seemed to be of the same ilk.

Finally I realized that these women were really men. Frustrates without a relationship that created virtual lives for themselves. But as dominant women instead of submissive men.

My guess is they do this because it somehow makes their fantasy seem more real. They aren’t so much interested in fooling others as hypnotizing themselves.

Whether as faux females or pushy “malesubs” these are the people who often push for intolerably stringent F/m behavior. Their minds are so filled with orgasm denial, sissyfication, cleaning bathroom floors and being lectured that there no room left for a real relationship or marriage.

As with Femdom and BDSM forums you need to read F/m blogs with caution. Some people are doing a wonderful job of sharing their power exchange relationship, giving advice on risk aware S&M. Beware of the others.

Forum Phonies


I’d meant to post this follow-up to my prior entry much sooner but couldn’t make the time.

Online Femdom Dating

Ms. Marina Black alluded to the know-it-alls on many kinky forums. There’s no denying the useless creatures abound.

Some will say that this sort of verbal bossiness is part of their dominant nature. But cocksureness is one of the most common vices of the human race. And there’s no lack of pushy submissive men online.

Indeed submissive men can be the worst. Having no life experience with submission they distill rules from their fantasy lives. They imagine what they masturbate to as a way to really have a relationship with a dominant woman.

Don’t let anyone on a forum - dominant or submissive - preach one true way of enacting dominance and submission, mastery and slavery to you;. Each person, each pairing works out an individual proper path. Not that some general principles don’t have value.

Don’t be intimidated. If you could see the person typing away at his keyboard the sight probably wouldn’t at all impress you. Don’t let your imagination delude you.

Read the stories of those who are sharing what they’ve actually done. You may not do the same thing or do it in the same way. But their experiences can help you prepare for your own exploration of BDSM.

You have to read forum posts discerningly and critically. But of what isn’t that true?

It can never be repeated often enough: there is no one true way that works for everyone.

Submissive Men : Interact Online


Submissive Men Desire Strong Women
The Desire for Strong Women

Comment on F/m Blogs
Post on F/m Forums

If you don’t have any real life experience with power exchange and S&M you are apt to be so trapped by your imagination you don’t really know how to talk about what you desire (or have clear perceptions of those seeming needs).

Finding blogs that reflect your appetites and hopes and leaving comments on the blogger’s writings is a simple beginning in learning how to talk (and think) about BDSM. Or kink-free Female Led Relationships (ahem).

You’ll find you have a host of misperceptions. Men and women who actually play or are in committed relationships can teach you how kink and fetish actually fit into their lives. There’s tremendous diversity.

The same is true of forums. You have to disinhibit yourself in order to talk openly and honestly.

Some men will learn that women aren’t looking to run their home like Gitmo. Others that penis pictures don’t make for friendships.

Others will learn the right vocabulary and manner for addressing others. Not that any one style is always appropriate. Some women like some level of protocol. Others can’t abide it. And one of the lessons you need to learn is that you are communicating with individuals. Dominant women aren’t stamped out at the female sadist factory.

Lastly there may be one or more munch groups in or near where you live that have a mailing list. This can be a good first step to preparing to meet someone local, perhaps at a munch group meeting.

Submissive Guys: What Kind of Man Are You?


Physically? Mentally?

Submissive Men : What kind of man are you?

The central rule in dating, meeting and hooking up is: be honest. So much easier said than done for many men.

What are you like physically: strong, muscular, skinny, mushy, obese. There’s no value in fibbing - she’ll know the moment she sees you. And being dishonest is about as far from being submissive as you can get.

What are you like mentally: do you spend your free time with the television as your best friend. Do you read anything: fantasy novels, horror fiction, literary prose … ? That may seem trivial but people often find common ground in small things. And for some people intellectual and aesthetic pursuits aren’t trivial.

Are you physically active, athletic? Do you do good works/ Are you politically active?

A woman needs a reason to want to meet you. It isn’t because you’ll “do anything.” She’s already had offer from a thousand strangers, knows not to take it seriously and isn’t looking for a doormat with arms and legs anyway.

Learn how to describe your qualities in your profiles. It only takes a few words. Even less than this entry.

Beautiful, Sexy Femdom


Dept. of Malesub Fantasies

Beautiful, sexy femdom.

A masochistic man left a comment on one of my sites. He recounted being beaten by a -forgive the word - fat woman in her fifties. Her own relish in her sadism was all he needed for his own happiness.

Continue reading "Beautiful, Sexy Femdom" »

My Girlfriend Read My Emails


I’m all in favor of honesty. But also in privacy. Unless you are completely honest you may not want to share your email account with your girlfriend.

The lesson here is NEVER share your password - or even make it guessable. One of my girlfriends had the password to her ex’s e-mail account and found out all sorts really interesting things - replies to Craigslist for cross-dressing and dominatrix and other exotic specialties etc. To some extent it explained why a ‘normal’ relationship wasn’t ever going to work, but on the other hand, I’d just rather not know.

Checking his Gmail

To be fair some men just dabble and never plan and never will be unfaithful. Wisest course is to not enter into an intimate relationship when you don’t feel you can be open about your sexuality.

Worthless Submissive Men


Inferior Malesub Scum

Though I’m not able to keep track as much as I used to I’m still convinced there is one substantial barrier to submissive men establishing any sort of relationship with dominant women that they could easily correct by simply adjusting their perceptions and consequent behavior.

  • Don’t write a woman and tell her how you are an inferior creature fit only for female control.
  • Don’t tell a dominant woman that you want to be some sort of dehumanized slave.
  • Don’t try to sell a female top on your value by boasting that you don’t deserve any rights or freedom.

Why would any woman want to burden her life with a worthless man. Or spend time with someone who is really inferior. Or has so little self-respect he wants to be deprived of every last iota of liberty.

An experience female top knows the man can’t distinguish reality from fantasy.

You may masturbate to being told you are worthless because you are a man. But women don’t.

If you want to meet a dominant woman tell her why you are worth knowing as a man. Then she can decide if she wants to have power over you.

Dominant Women : Who Are They Looking For?


I'm going to let you in on a Startling Femdom Secret!

MsX with whom I was exchanging a few emails wrote:

Sometimes I'm so tired of these labels (a sentiment I *know* you sympathise with). I just want to find someone who I enjoy and am attracted to, who is able to commit and communicate - and who feels the same about me :)

The secret? It has taken countless hours of research, reading weblogs by dominant women, visiting F/m forums.

There are plenty of dominant women looking for the right partner. Partner may seem too neutral a word but each is variously looking for a submissive or perhaps a slave. BDSM might be only now and then, a bit every evening or some form of lifestyle D/s. Or just a play partner. But I'm thinking of the women looking for a kinky boyfriend or lover.

Each dominant woman is as individual as any woman. But she has special needs that can make even her search more complicated than the norm.

You can read my How to Woo a Domme Online but I'll give you a concentrated dose of advice.

Don't invent forum names like pantyworm4u. She'd rather hear from Fred. Or a guy who's handle reflects a non-fetish interest or is a clever joke.

Don't PM or IM her saying "want u 2 crush my nuts" and certainly not "want u 2 crush my nuts while I sing the Star Spangled Banner and you wear a maroon miniskirt."

Even if you are looking for a short-term kink playmate that isn't the way to approach someone who is supposed to hold the power.

Much less a woman who for some reason decided that she is a person and would like to meet the same.

Fill out your profile damnit! And try to say more than "I'm a sissy painwhore who likes to do housework." Well, if you are really keen on sweeping floors that might be OK. (Heck you can write to me: I hate housework.) Mention your interests and hobbies (which hopefully exceed watching television).

The essence is: be a person, be as polite as you are in real life (and if need be learn some manners). Treat her like a person.

Or hire a professional. She may not be interested in you but may take lively pleasure in spending your money.

Given that dominant women are uncommon it is mighty surprising that good submissive men can be hard for some - nice, kind, smart - women to find.

Go and sin no more! Or rather sin the right way.

This could go on forever. Share your suggestions, tales of woe or funny stories.

Never Too Old to Start

Real Life

It’s only been a year since my journey began, but I’d like to share with women of my generation some of the things I have learned and will continue to learn for as long as my journey continues. To those who have always heard but ignored those inner whispers about what it might be like to flog a back or butt, bring a man to his knees, invade him, restrain him, punish or reward him in any wonderful variety of ways from mild to extreme, take heart. Age doesn’t have to be a negative factor. It isn’t too late to explore your inner domme.

Out of My Frigid Fifties

Femdom First Dates

Real Life

BDSM first dates shouldn’t really be much of a question.

Where do you go on your first date with a domme? I was standing in the middle of a nickel arcade yesterday, having an absolute ball playing on video games that I haven’t seen in *years* (galaga, Knights of the Round Table, Gauntlet, etc) and thought if a guy ever brought me here on purpose.. for a date.. that would be it, leash and collared on the spot .

What are some of the more unusual places you’ve been taken to or have taken a domme or a sub on a date?

Why would you go anywhere other than where you’d normally go on a date?

See the answers: First Dates

Unrealistic Expectations

Online, Real Life

From an old discussion on soc.subculture.bondage-bdsm.femdom:

Developing a love interest online is a tricky business: loving someone in the real world is filled with spaces… quiet moments, banal moments, boring moments, brushing your teeth, taking a shower, driving to the dentist, having the flu. These spaces when we’re not intensely connected with our loved ones are expected, we’re comfortable with them. But when you fall in love with someone online, the relationship is “distilled” … those moments are removed and you’re left with a LOT a “quality” time and very little downtime- time spent talking, playing, emotionally holding hands (or more)- but if one thing is for sure, you almost never *waste* time with one another because if you live in the busy world the rest of us share, you don’t have TIME to waste. You make the most of every moment.

But this sets up terrible and unrealistic expectations, often despite how grounded you are or how rationally you consider your relationship. It is, at it’s core, the perfect interactive fantasy and that intense, heady, passionate fantasy all too often doesn’t translate into real life. The odd thing is how well ~friendships~ translate into real life, though, but that might not be so odd after all- it probably has something to do with expectation levels and a distinct lack of sexual tension inherent in the initial meeting.

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Admit Your Needs


If someone writes a personal which states, basically, that they want to be “forced” to live out some fantasy of their own, I’d tend to agree with you : they probably want someone to fulfill their fantasy more than they want to submit. [1]

But… If someone who wants to submit has some specific activities that they particularly like, or dislike, or simply can’t engage in, then it makes sense for the personal ad to mention them. They suffer intense claustrophobia and find bondage traumatic - that’s useful information, as it keeps someone who -likes- tying her submissives up from engaging in what would likely be mutually unfulfilling. Someone else is a heavy masochist, -loves- crops and canes and zippers to the point where such painplay is a joy and reward to them - makes sense to mention it, so’s the dominant who also likes painplay and wants a submissive who’ll look forward go heavy beatings has an extra bit of knowledge to perhaps pique her interest.

If there’s something the would-be submissive needs occasionally in order to feel fulfilled… Again, it makes sense for him or her to mention it. But, there is a -big- difference between the person who mentions, perhaps, that they enjoy crossdressing and would like to serve a dominant who’d at times appreciate their frilly side, and the one who firmly believes that if the woman isn’t “forcing” them to crossdress that it isn’t domination


One is, perhaps, someone whose primary pleasure is to serve and submit to another but who also likes wearing taffetta - the other is probably someone whose primary interest is indulging in their fantasy, and is perhaps misleading others by insisting that they are really submissive.

[1] Which there’s certainly nothing wrong with - though it would be nice if more would communicate what they want more clearly.

(Old newsgroup posting.)

Finding the Submissive Man of Your Dreams


From an old newsgroup post by Laura Goodwin:

t certainly is possible for femdom men and women to meet and form satisfying relationships of either short or long-term duration. Such relationships can seem, with all their imperfections, to still seem to be a dream come true. People want practical suggestions for ways to accomplish this.

Men and women are different. In general, (heterosexual) men and women who try to see things from the other’s point of view and make a sincere effort to bridge the gender gap have the most success in relationships.

Women are women, not men without cocks. Women think and feel like women, they have sexual and psychological needs which are distinctive to those of their sex. They need partners who appreciate them as women, that is, whole human beings who also are female. They don’t stop being female because they are dominant, if anything, their female characteristics are more pronounced than in the average woman. Women do have their own kind of strength and authority which is not the strength of the head-banging ram, but the ready courage and steady dependability of the lioness.

Women do need partners who can understand and appreciate them on their own level. I have seen that men are inclined to try, and in many cases are quite successful. There are human limits, however, to how much one can reasonably expect. Men do need to be allowed to be men, they can’t help that, can they? Men are not women with cocks. They think and feel differently about things, and need to be understood and handled correctly.

In a femdom relationship, the woman is naturally expected to take control and set the pace, but to accomplish this she has to capture and hold the man’s attention and respect in a way he understands and can appreciate. Dominant women must be bolder and less dainty than your average woman. If SHE wants to find a dream sub, she has to be able to be dream dom, or the man won’t be able to find it within himself to match her. A sub can only rise as high as his mistress will let him. If she won’t show drive, creativity, ambition and daring, you can’t expect him to be at his best either.

Be a woman a man can look up to, and he will be all the man he can be for you.

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